A Letter to My Sister
You, of all people, should know who I am. Please don’t discredit my 38 years of growth and service in the church.
I was like you. I know how all these things I’m saying are painful to accept because they were also painful for me.
I have been there.
I grew up in the church as well. I desired to go on a mission as well. And I went. That experience not only helped me learn the basic doctrine the church taught us but also equipped me with the tools I needed to survive in the real world.
In that experience, I defended the church as well. With all my heart and mind, I did. My companion and I faced Baptist ministers, protestants, and other people who seemed to know church history more than I did. I defended the church the way we were taught. Never to contend, but divert the focus by sharing a heartfelt testimony. Although sometimes it was tough not to contend. How could I not if I believed the bad things they say about the church came from unreliable sources? So, I corrected them as nicely as I could. And leave a testimony.
It was a full-time study and practice, but I never had a chance to really study church history because we were discouraged from doing so. We were there to teach the basic doctrine. Focus on the four standard works, they say.
An MTC teacher even scolded me because Nanay sent me the bound book I have. I think it talks about the Atonement and Intelligences by Skousen. I left it in our room at the Patron House, but Nanay thought I had left it unintentionally, so she sent it back to me. The MTC teacher approached me and asked what books we should study as missionaries, and I told him about the four standard works. Then he handed me my little bounded book and said, “Bakit may ganito ka,” and went on scolding me without knowing what really happened. He didn't ask me. He never did. I didn't know his full intention for doing that. All I know is he never intended to listen or know my side. That was my first state of the real world. That people could be cruel. And we experience this from people who think of themselves highly because of the status they attained in the church.
Previously, Nanay also experienced that. When a church employee told her, “Sabi ko magpabarya ka bakit binabalik mo sakin yan??” literally shouted at her at the counter in the distribution center after falling in line twice. The queue was so long. We were there twice as long as the others who went to buy in that store. All she wanted was to buy some garments but had to endure that because wala syang barya. The guy didn't listen. He never asked Nanay. So, he never learned that Nanay tried to get barya from the people around her. Maybe she thought he would have the change he needed by the time she reached the counter again because of so many members inside the store that day.
So yes. Another taste of reality. People can be cruel indeed. And more often, in the mission, I experienced that from church leaders, not from the non-members.
Going back to studying.
I never stopped, even after my mission. I read other church literature books. I also read more and more books. I’ve accepted callings, but most of them involve teaching in the Sunday School Adult class. I even wondered why was always given that calling even though I wasn’t yet married, why would they assign me to handle a class with couples who are twice or three times older than I am? But I always accepted. I think 80% of the callings I've had were on teaching, and the rest are leadership positions.
The last was becoming the communications director for the stake while still teaching the adult class at Sunday school in the local ward. That communication calling made me realize the similarities between what we do in the church and what I do at work for digital marketing. That also prepared me to be more open, accepting, or tolerant of other religions in order to build a better relationship with the community, always seeking common ground.
In all those years, I always heard something about the church and its history but never really dared to actually search about it. I never read the Joseph Smith letters, and I never thought that the church published them, making all the information finally available online for everyone to see. It was hidden, and leaders denied all the information for so many years that they couldn’t contain it anymore.
I went to Palmyra, NY, here, a year ago to start learning about the church's history. It was there that the questions began to grow.
My initial question was, why weren’t there so many churches here in NJ, and why is the stake center so far away? Why did that other ward dissolve? Why are the people in my ward 90% senior citizens? Why is it hard for the missionaries to convert people? Why is it so different in the Philippines?
I then went to Salt Lake City and Provo, Utah, which led to even more questions.
It was only there, and in Arizona, that I saw more LDS churches, but nothing compares to the number of chapels we have per province in the Philippines.
The CES letter came to me by accident. I watched a member share his story on Instagram explaining why he finally decided to leave the church, I learned about the lawyers of quitmormon website who helped church members leave the church pro bono. It’s all free. I also learned about the CES letter, which is a free ebook.
I started to read it and check the josephsmithpapers website and other resources where the author took his information from. I then bought Studies of the Book of Mormon by BH Roberts (a known church scholar who authors many books published by the church), No One Knows My History: The Life of Joseph Smith (written by Pres David O McKay’s niece who is a professor of history in UCLA and a famous biographer, then the book Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith.
My world crashed upon learning everything. I have no idea how to move forward because this is what I have always believed in. For 38 years, I believed this was the only true church of Jesus Christ that had been restored to earth by praise to the man Joseph Smith. Why do we praise him again?
I knew only some about the history but mainly vague information. Why? Because I trusted the info spoon-fed to me. These are trusted leaders, men of faith, men who have gained their status in this world, professionals and servants of God, but why do we omit information when inviting others to come unto Christ and by that means read the Book of Mormon, come to church, be baptized, be sealed in the temple, so you can also attain eternal life and be with your family forever.
Beautiful. And I thought it was the best there was—that's why others still choose to stay despite knowing the truth. Now I know it wasn't the best and definitely not the truth.
Why can't we just tell everyone the truth in the beginning? Why do we spread the most edited version of the first vision? I have plenty of other whys.
I started to explore other teachings. Other truths that others believed to be true. This study still continues and it will continue throughout my whole life. Now, I am no longer discouraged from learning other teachings, reading different books, knowing about religions of the world, learning why Muslims believe that their church is true, learning why people convert to Judaism, understanding why catholic still believe their church is the original church that Christ started through Paul who never even met Jesus when he was alive, learned about the science of Kabbalah, the Zohar, the ten sephirot and the tree of life, and so much more.
There’s so much more.
I’m sorry that every time I speak, it looks like I am attacking you, ate, causing you pain, and judging you. I am not. I am not attacking you. I am not attacking the church leaders. My only intention is to declare the truth as it is. And honestly, the truth is sometimes bitter, no matter how hard we try to sweeten it.
When you learn something that could help another person, even just to open their eyes, wouldn’t you want to share what you know? And how much more with your family members, wouldn't you want to share with them as well?
You told me that if I'm happy with what I do, I continue to do what I'm doing.
In fact, I am happy. I am happy learning about other perspectives because all my life, I only knew and believed one perspective. I realized now how that kept me in a box.
And now that I’ve stepped out, I learned that there's so much beauty outside of it. Every perspective is beautiful and fascinating as your mind slowly unfolds those mysteries you never knew before.
Why would we continue to stay in our comfort zone, believing it’s dangerous out there? You will never know the beauty of it or if it's really dangerous if you remain in the box. You will only see once you release yourself from that one belief that's stopping you from truly learning about others outside that box.
Your baby sister
Baby Wam